Deborah Rossouw - Motivational Speaker, InFIRE Your Life, Vancouver

Lesson from a six year old

admin — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 00:13:58 +0000

So there I was minding my own business outside a local coffee shop, when a toddler and his brother aged six, came walking in my direction. ‘Thud’, the toddler tripped over his own shoes and landed spread-eagled on the sidewalk and let out a loud howl. His mother caught up to them, bent down, placed the youngest child in her lap and began to comfort him. As she did that, the six-year-old bent close, looked at his brother and asked: ‘Was that scary?’

He got it! His kid brother was not hurt, he just got a fright and that is what made him cry. And so he empathized.

How often when we witness an incident, do we perceive accurately what the impact might be for the other person? Expressing empathy effectively is a skill that serves as a bridge to let others feel understood. It requires us to observe accurately so we can reflect that back to the other person – like this six-year-old did.

If a six-year-old can get it right, so can you and I!
This week, see how many times you can express empathy for others, by naming the impact they experience. Doing so will strengthen your communication and will invite others to open up more to you.

This one thing could save your….!

admin — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 01:21:43 +0000

Another lesson from biking…

So, here I am, out on my Saturday morning bike ride in perfect riding weather – overcast, calm and cool. I’ve completed one round of the ten km route and because the conditions are perfect, I decide to do it all again.

So, a third of the way into the second 10km lap, I come across two runners whom I had passed on the first lap. This time they’re on the return leg of their run. They look good. Each runs with an easy gait. As I ride past I say: ‘Onto lap two –it’s perfect weather for it’. And they both smile, nod and then stop. It’s a welcome rest. I find out that Gord and Ken are both training for a full marathon. Gord is training for the Vancouver Marathon in May, and Ken’s training for the Tokyo Marathon in a few weeks. ‘And it’s snowing there right now!’ adds Ken, with a playful smile. It’s evident that regardless of the conditions, he plans to run!

It turns out they’ve both done a number of long distance runs, as well as long distance bike rides. Gord looks at me and asks: ‘Have you had your bike fitted out for you?
‘No,’ I said, looking down at Old Trusty, ‘I’ve just changed the seat and the bike was given a tune-up’

‘Well,’ Gord continues, ‘You really want to consider getting your bike fitted-out for you, before you do a 240km ride.’

‘So,’ I ask: What’s it like to ride that kind of distance?

Gord responds: ‘We only trained for about a month before the ride. The one thing I learned is you’ve got to get used to being on a bike seat.’

‘I agree,’ Ken adds ‘It’ll make a huge difference to you, especially at the 100km mark – that’s when you start to feel it!’

That’s the fifth time I’ve heard that kind of comment in the past three weeks. ‘Get used to your bike seat!’ I’m learning to pay attention to ‘the echo.’

So, here’s another invitation for all of us.
What message have you heard echoed recently, from a colleague, client or loved one? And, what action can you take this week to heed the echo? It may require less effort than getting used to a bike seat for a long distance ride, but it too might just ‘save your butt’!

Chains, strains and snaps

admin — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 02:36:37 +0000

A couple of weeks ago I re-acquainted myself with Old Trusty, my 18-year old mountain bike. On my fourth ride the chain came off. I thought nothing of it. On the next ride, it happened again. No problem – I just turned the bike on its saddle and re-connected the chain, and was again on my way.

Now you’d think that I might have considered why it had happened. Well, I did, but only fleetingly. Well, guess what, when I took the bike out for a long ride, today, the chain did not come loose – it snapped! That got my attention! Fortunately it was only five minutes into the ride, and close enough to the bike repair shop. It was definitely my lucky day as I was the first customer when the doors opened at 10am. The chap first did a quick fix of my broken bike-chain. Only when I began to ask a few key questions, did I realize that because it was tighter, it might snap again. As I’m training for a long distance bike ride in June, I need a reliable chain, not one that will strain and snap again. So, I bought a new one and asked for it to be installed instead.

But here’s the important question: Where else in my life, do I ignore the tiny warning signs that something is under strain? What is the chain of events that is silently playing out, that I’m not paying enough attention to? And for you – what is the chain of events silently playing out, that you might not be paying enough attention to?
Are there any warning signs you need to notice in relation to your health or energy levels? Likewise, are there any tiny warning signs in regard to your home or work relationships? What about your spiritual well-being?
What chain of events has already played out that you’ve not slowed down to assess?

As happened for me, does the situation need to snap, before it gets your attention?

You know the thing about our health, spiritual well-being or our work and home relationships, is that we don’t have the option of ‘buy a new one’. Under normal circumstances, we get to work with what we’ve got!

So, my invitation to you and me, is to ask the above question through this coming week so we have the opportunity to reduce any strains and thus avoid any snap!

Need a tip to help you keep your New Year’s resolutions?

admin — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 01:19:58 +0000

Did you make any New Year’s Resolutions? If you did, I’m wondering if your resolutions are similar to the ones I usually make, namely to improve in areas like spiritual development, exercise and making healthy food choices. If so, how are you doing?

I must confess that this year I did not make any resolutions on New Year’s Day, as mine have often ended up being unrealistic promises. So, this year I decided on a different approach, namely to clearly identify and commit to a couple of practices to take me to the next levels of possibility in my life. How about you?

So, I began by not making any resolution on New Year’s Day.
Instead, I took some time to explore what was missing before. And what came was two words ‘consistency’ and ‘pull’.

While I may have had sincere intentions to follow through with past resolutions, the reason for doing them didn’t have enough ‘pulling power’ for me to keep my commitment to myself.

So that got me thinking about work I’d done in numerous organizations on values, and how values drive behaviour. Bingo! Values are the often-neglected element in resolutions. If you truly want to make a commitment to your goals there needs to be some ‘pull’ from your values.

So, this year I’ll be experimenting with this concept. I’ve identified two domains in which I want to take my game to the next level, namely in the spiritual and the physical. In both of these domains I’ve failed to be consistent. So, this year I have chosen one action I can do per domain to establish a consistent practice.

For example, in the physical domain – we all know that following a regular exercise routine helps to improve one’s level of fitness. So, that’s one area I’ve chosen. Which value does this align with for me? Excellent health. What are the benefits of excellent health as I see it? I want to be able to enjoy walking and jogging and cycling and kayaking with ease, well into my mature years. I want to be able to enjoy travel without stiffness, aches, pains or medication – if possible.

So I figure that increasing my level of fitness on a consistent basis now, will help me achieve greater all round health in the future. Holding that vision is a strong incentive for me to exercise on a more regular basis. Some who know me may argue, ‘oh, but you’ve always been one to exercise’. Well, that’s not quite true. What is true is that my exercise has been sporadic rather than consistent – even though it has included three half-marathons in a period of eighteen years – as you can see, it’s hardly a track record for consistent exercise. It’s consistency that I am now aiming for.

With regard to the spiritual domain, deepening my connection to the Sacred is a deep desire, and yet I miss the mark more often than I like to admit. I’ve come to think of it as my ‘appointment with peace.’ Nothing compares with it! And so, this year by aligning ‘my appointment with peace’ to my value of Spirituality provides me with far more compelling reason to keep my commitment than merely wanting it. Living my values more consistently is how I can take my life to the next levels of possibility. And so can you!

So, here’s my tip for you:
Reflect on the resolution(s) you made on 1 January 2012. And, if you’re having difficulty keeping it, assess if there is a value that you can link it with, so that there’s more ‘pulling power’ to help you to keep your commitment to yourself. The more compelling the value, the more traction your ‘resolution’ will have – but don’t take my word for it. Test this for yourself.
Align a value with the resolution. Align your intentions with your values and actions. And, then, re-visit your value-based resolution on 31 December 2012, and see how you did!

Want to know the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed?

admin — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 01:19:27 +0000

Nurses reveal the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed
Unlike all my other blog posts, which I wrote, this blog-post is an article written by a nurse who worked with the dying. I copied it verbatim from a Facebook post by a colleague.

This nurse shares the top five regrets that dying people make on their deathbed. My hope is that all who read this will pay attention to the sobering truths she shares about self-expression and being true to oneself in life. I hope you will find it interesting and beneficial to your life right now.

‘For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.
I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try to honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.‘

Source: Posted by a friend on Facebook from an email she had received

She’s Found her Voice. Have you?

admin — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 04:32:18 +0000

She has found her voice, this talented young poet named Monica.

Similar to you, I’ve read loads of tweets, and some share great quotes or provide tips, but Monica doesn’t do either. She shares micro-poems – but not just ordinary poems. Her poems are from her Soul. And they’re of the kind that can take your breath away or can make you breathe in deeply because her words resonate at the core of your being.

It was the latter experience that I had this evening, when I came across Monica’s micro-poems for the first time! As I read them, I felt myself breathing more deeply in recognition of the truth she shares. Her intention [or so I learned later by reviewing her website] is to have people ‘feel’ her words. Wow, could I feel them!

Monica’s voice is her poems which speak on her behalf and open you to worlds of meaning in a few short powerful lines.

Our words can do that – and when we speak them from our true voice we too can open up worlds for others to breathe us in and relax in the ripples we’ve created, consciously, intentionally for good.

Monica’s intention behind her poetry is to have others ‘feel’ her words, and be moved by them.

So, my invitation to you for this week is to get curious about your voice.
What intention can you set that will ensure you bring others to the safety of your shores?

If you enjoyed this post, and are curious to find Monica on Twitter, leave her a message and mention me: @debrossouw – That way we’ll both know how you got to her, and she’ll know I am serious about wanting to promote her. I do! https://twitter.com/#!/h0ll0wd0ll

One Thing for More Magic this festive season

admin — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:55:27 +0000

December has arrived and with it the silly season that heralds in more events than any of us can possibly attend and hope to be fully present while there – for many reasons – and I’m choosing to not go there.

The other evening at a social event, one of the attendees announced, on her arrival: ‘We can only be here for an hour as we have tickets for the Opera. We want to make sure we get there on time, as they’ll lock the doors.’

I was seated behind them, and noticed how every so often one of them would look at their iPhone as a way to keep an eye on the time. Were they fully present? Not really. Did their distracted attention affect others? Yes, a little. Understandably one cannot be late for the opera or any live show, for that matter.

So, just as the presentation was done, this guest and her husband shimmied to the front door and left. Under similar circumstances I would have done exactly the same. It was great that they could carve out the time to come to the first event.

So it got me thinking about this social season and how many of us will likely be in a similar situation to them, having double or even triple bookings on some evenings. How can we engage so that we can appreciate everything offered at each event yet still be present by the time we’re at event #3?

I don’t know if you do the same as we do when we have a double booking. Do you tell yourself and your partner before you enter the room: ‘We’ve got two hours then we must be out of here. I’ll come and get you.’

And it seems like a perfect plan, until one of you gets hooked into a fascinating conversation with someone you’ve just met. The moment of departure arrives too soon, and it feels difficult to pull yourself away and equally difficult to ignore your partner’s signaling that it’s time to move on.

How come it’s so difficult to be present just where we are? What makes it so challenging for us? I’d hazard a guess that it may be that our minds trip us up, because we’ve already instructed our minds to be on the alert for the time to leave. And that instruction actually overrides our ability to arrive and settle just where we are. We feel pulled in two directions before we’ve even begun. And in this state of distraction, it’s difficult to meet others with curiosity and presence, because our mind has already travelled to the next function.

So, what can we do differently during this silly season to help us experience every delicious moment more fully and with less stress?
Here are two tips to help you to take-in the magic at each place you go to.

Tip #1: If possible, accept only one invitation per evening. That will make it easier for you and your host to relax and enjoy one another’s company, without short-circuiting the moment.

Tip #2: If you absolutely feel you must be at a second event, [and those situations do occur] I suggest that you let your host know in advance so they’re warned about your early departure. And, before you arrive, set your phone alarm to bleep you at the appropriate time.
Then, just before you enter the venue, focus your attention on your intention. Tell yourself: ‘I am here now. I choose to be present right here, right now, with these people. And I can trust my alarm will alert me to the time to leave.’This one action will help you to be more fully present so that you can bring your whole self into each experience of the festive season, and enjoy the magic that each moment has the potential to bring to you!

Happy Holidays!

Of bucket lists and safari’s

admin — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 05:41:16 +0000

What a memory-making week this has been. Our good friend Peter Twycross has been visiting us from Kenya, to promote his luxury tented safari’s. And these are safaris’ with a distinct difference. One gathers one’s own group to enjoy this experience with – people you want to make memories with. Our friends Robin and Nijole persuaded their good friends Michael and Catherine to join them earlier this year.

The other evening we were invited to a reunion of their safari experience, together with eighteen others who have an African Safari on their bucket lists. So there we all were, gathered together in Michael and Catherine’s sitting-room viewing a slide-show of wild-life photo’s that Peter had taken while leading the safari. What is noteworthy is the amazing respect and admiration he has for his staff – from the chefs to the porters, guides, mess- and utility-stewards, butlers and the Askari [Kenyan guards] – all are local Kenyans whom Peter and his team have trained up, so that they could provide employment opportunities and contribute to the local economy. And that contribution does not stop there. Peter also helps his wife, Wendy, train local poor and unemployed Kenyans to start their own businesses with minimum capital. Their hearts are truly in the right place.

Our safari travelling friends raved about the abundance of wildlife they saw daily, the seamlessness of the transit arrangements and the very reasonable rates compared with other safari operators. They also shared how Peter and his team met their every need and offered more than they could have wished for – elegant dining, phenomenal food and overall an exceptional experience that helped them realize the dream of their lives – an African Safari – that had been one of their bucket list. Both couples sang Peter’s praises.

And I am not at all surprised. Peter’s authenticity and integrity are the two qualities that drew me to him years ago. Those qualities are clearly part of who he is, how he lives his life and how he conducts his business. His love of people, nature and wild-life are well reflected in his enterprise – a meeting of passions, connecting with people and a making of dreams come true.

Why am I sharing this? Because, to me, Peter epitomizes a person whose life is congruent. His life reflects his values and his passions, and, through his work he has found a way to share those with the world. Isn’t that what we all aspire to do? To find a way to earn our livelihood by doing the thing we love while not compromising what we believe in and what we stand for?

So, here’s a question for all of us to ponder through this coming week:

What can I do, say or be today that would best reflect what I stand for?

And, if an African Safari is on your bucket list of things to still do, I cannot recommend Peter highly enough: Check out his website: www.Sentinel Safari’s – and then gather a group of special friends or family and book your adventure. It’ll be a memory of a lifetime!

What one thing reveals your identity?

admin — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 01:28:00 +0000

If you had heard me speak last week, you would not have recognized me. How come? Because I was voiceless! I had literally lost my voice through a bout of laryngitis. So there I was – unable to answer the phone, unable to attend any meetings, unable to coach any clients and unable to speak to friends or family. Thankfully, I had no scheduled speaking engagements. It was a week of literally being ‘off-line’ vocally.

Losing my voice reminded me about the correlation between our voice and our identity. How we ‘sound’ is such an integral part of our self-image. Just as blind people use voice to identity others, the rest of us too rely on voice recognition to identify voices on the phone or people in proximity to us but out of our line of sight.

Because our voice is one of the mechanisms through which we broadcast our thinking and feelings, it’s also the mechanism that gives us away if we are out of sorts. We can often tell if something is wrong by hearing someone’s voice – especially someone we know well. Not so? Their voice reveals a lot more than they actually say.

So, losing my actual vocal voice got me thinking about how when we lose connection with ourselves, how our voice gives us away, and sounds ‘offish’ or has us sound ‘distant’, or ‘distracted’ or ‘not quite present’.

So, here are a couple of questions for you to ponder:

- What circumstances cause you to lose your voice?

- What circumstances cause you to sound ‘offish’, or ‘unlike you’?

- What can you do to re-connect with your true voice?

Stay curious – your voice could just give you away!

Let these two lines challenge you…

admin — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 23:29:50 +0000

Do you have memories of any moments when someone has said something simple yet profound to you – that you appreciated at the time but didn’t have any idea about how it might play into your life? Is there one thing that you recall that has ‘stayed with you’ because it struck a chord somewhere within?

I have one such memory of a former university friend, named Jorrie Jordaan. It was 1977 and we were both doing our under grad degrees at the University of Stellenbosch. And the particular memory that stands out for me, amongst many, is the day that we were out walking along the river bank on the campus.

It was a summer’s day and our leisurely stroll had us meandering beneath the decades-old oak trees. We walked in shadow and light – shadow and light – and that memory too became a metaphor that would follow me through my life – living in the light, then the shadow and emerging again in the light.

Jorrie waited for the opportune moment. I recall he’d been sharing that he’d love to one day live in a log cabin in the mountains. Soon after sharing his dream life, he suggested we stop because he had something he wanted to show me. I still recall vividly what happened next. He dug his hand deep into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of lined paper, with something scribbled on it. He looked a little embarrassed because the note looked quite a sight but in his very real and natural way laughed out loud saying: ‘I’m feeling a bit embarrassed at what this must look like to you. I was so excited to share this that I tore it out of the scribbler I was working in. It’s a poem I wrote, and I’d like to read it to you. Would you mind?’

‘Jorrie, I didn’t know you wrote poetry?’

‘Nor did I,’ he replied. ‘This came to me a few days ago. I’ve kinda been working with it. I thought you might appreciate it, so I want to share it with you.”

‘Gosh, Jorrie, I’m touched. Please do.’

I was expecting a longer poem – so when he read just two lines I was taken by surprise, both by the brevity of it as well as the power of it.

After he’d read it, he offered me the crumpled piece of paper so I could see it and read it aloud myself.

I’ve remembered his poem all these years. Here’s how he had written it:

“Life – participant or spectator – involvement is the difference!”

I’ve reflected on those two lines many times since then, reminiscing on the truth they reveal. And, at times when I have been tempted to sit on the sideline instead of committing to things, those two lines have served to challenge me, in a good way.

So, this week I have two questions for us all to ponder:

In what situations this week can I be a participant, rather than a spectator?
What one insight or pearl of wisdom can you allow to germinate within you so that you can pass it on to someone important to you, this Christmas?Begin to formulate that idea, concept, poem, song – whatever form your gift might take. And, aim to share it by Christmas – the time for gift-giving.
Who knows how many years your gift might resonate and carry the possibility of touching another’s life, like Jorrie’s did mine.Participant or spectator – which will you be?