Conversations

Lesson from a six year old

So there I was minding my own business outside a local coffee shop, when a toddler and his brother aged six, came walking in my direction. ‘Thud’, the toddler tripped over his own shoes and landed spread-eagled on the sidewalk and let out a loud howl. His mother caught up to them, bent down, placed the youngest child in her lap and began to comfort him. As she did that, the six-year-old bent close, looked at his brother and asked: ‘Was that scary?’

He got it! His kid brother was not hurt, he just got a fright and that is what made him cry. And so he empathized.

How often when we witness an incident, do we perceive accurately what the impact might be for the other person? Expressing empathy effectively is a skill that serves as a bridge to let others feel understood. It requires us to observe accurately so we can reflect that back to the other person – like this six-year-old did.

If a six-year-old can get it right, so can you and I!
This week, see how many times you can express empathy for others, by naming the impact they experience. Doing so will strengthen your communication and will invite others to open up more to you.

Copyright © Deborah Rossouw of DebSpeaks.com 17 February 2012 – All rights reserved

Want to know the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed?

Nurses reveal the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed
Unlike all my other blog posts, which I wrote, this blog-post is an article written by a nurse who worked with the dying. I copied it verbatim from a Facebook post by a colleague.

This nurse shares the top five regrets that dying people make on their deathbed. My hope is that all who read this will pay attention to the sobering truths she shares about self-expression and being true to oneself in life. I hope you will find it interesting and beneficial to your life right now.

‘For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.
I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try to honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.‘

Source: Posted by a friend on Facebook from an email she had received

One Thing for More Magic this festive season

December has arrived and with it the silly season that heralds in more events than any of us can possibly attend and hope to be fully present while there – for many reasons – and I’m choosing to not go there.

The other evening at a social event, one of the attendees announced, on her arrival: ‘We can only be here for an hour as we have tickets for the Opera. We want to make sure we get there on time, as they’ll lock the doors.’

I was seated behind them, and noticed how every so often one of them would look at their iPhone as a way to keep an eye on the time. Were they fully present? Not really. Did their distracted attention affect others? Yes, a little. Understandably one cannot be late for the opera or any live show, for that matter.

So, just as the presentation was done, this guest and her husband shimmied to the front door and left. Under similar circumstances I would have done exactly the same. It was great that they could carve out the time to come to the first event.

So it got me thinking about this social season and how many of us will likely be in a similar situation to them, having double or even triple bookings on some evenings. How can we engage so that we can appreciate everything offered at each event yet still be present by the time we’re at event #3?

I don’t know if you do the same as we do when we have a double booking. Do you tell yourself and your partner before you enter the room: ‘We’ve got two hours then we must be out of here. I’ll come and get you.’

And it seems like a perfect plan, until one of you gets hooked into a fascinating conversation with someone you’ve just met. The moment of departure arrives too soon, and it feels difficult to pull yourself away and equally difficult to ignore your partner’s signaling that it’s time to move on.

How come it’s so difficult to be present just where we are? What makes it so challenging for us? I’d hazard a guess that it may be that our minds trip us up, because we’ve already instructed our minds to be on the alert for the time to leave. And that instruction actually overrides our ability to arrive and settle just where we are. We feel pulled in two directions before we’ve even begun. And in this state of distraction, it’s difficult to meet others with curiosity and presence, because our mind has already travelled to the next function.

So, what can we do differently during this silly season to help us experience every delicious moment more fully and with less stress?
Here are two tips to help you to take-in the magic at each place you go to.

        Tip #1: If possible, accept only one invitation per evening. That will make it easier for you and your host to relax and enjoy one another’s company, without short-circuiting the moment.

Tip #2: If you absolutely feel you must be at a second event, [and those situations do occur] I suggest that you let your host know in advance so they’re warned about your early departure. And, before you arrive, set your phone alarm to bleep you at the appropriate time.
Then, just before you enter the venue, focus your attention on your intention. Tell yourself: ‘I am here now. I choose to be present right here, right now, with these people. And I can trust my alarm will alert me to the time to leave.’This one action will help you to be more fully present so that you can bring your whole self into each experience of the festive season, and enjoy the magic that each moment has the potential to bring to you!

Happy Holidays!

Copyright © Deborah Rossouw of DebSpeaks.com 2 December 2011 – All rights reserved.


Let these two lines challenge you…

Do you have memories of any moments when someone has said something simple yet profound to you – that you appreciated at the time but didn’t have any idea about how it might play into your life?  Is there one thing that you recall that has ‘stayed with you’ because it struck a chord somewhere within?

I have one such memory of a former university friend, named Jorrie Jordaan. It was 1977 and we were both doing our under grad degrees at the University of Stellenbosch. And the particular memory that stands out for me, amongst many, is the day that we were out walking along the river bank on the campus.

It was a summer’s day and our leisurely stroll had us meandering beneath the decades-old oak trees. We walked in shadow and light – shadow and light – and that memory too became a metaphor that would follow me through my life – living in the light, then the shadow and emerging again in the light.

Jorrie waited for the opportune moment. I recall he’d been sharing that he’d love to one day live in a log cabin in the mountains. Soon after sharing his dream life, he suggested we stop because he had something he wanted to show me. I still recall vividly what happened next. He dug his hand deep into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of lined paper, with something scribbled on it. He looked a little embarrassed because the note looked quite a sight but in his very real and natural way laughed out loud saying: ‘I’m feeling a bit embarrassed at what this must look like to you. I was so excited to share this that I tore it out of the scribbler I was working in. It’s a poem I wrote, and I’d like to read it to you. Would you mind?’

‘Jorrie, I didn’t know you wrote poetry?’

‘Nor did I,’ he replied. ‘This came to me a few days ago. I’ve kinda been working with it. I thought you might appreciate it, so I want to share it with you.”

‘Gosh, Jorrie, I’m touched. Please do.’

I was expecting a longer poem – so when he read just two lines I was taken by surprise, both by the brevity of it as well as the power of it.

After he’d read it, he offered me the crumpled piece of paper so I could see it and read it aloud myself.

I’ve remembered his poem all these years. Here’s how he had written it:

“Life – participant or spectator – involvement is the difference!”

I’ve reflected on those two lines many times since then, reminiscing on the truth they reveal. And, at times when I have been tempted to sit on the sideline instead of committing to things, those two lines have served to challenge me, in a good way.

So, this week I have two questions for us all to ponder:

  1. In what situations this week can I be a participant, rather than a spectator?
  2. What one insight or pearl of wisdom can you allow to germinate within you so that you can pass it on to someone important to you, this Christmas?Begin to formulate that idea, concept, poem, song  – whatever form your gift might take. And, aim to share it by Christmas – the time for gift-giving.
    Who knows how many years your gift might resonate and carry the possibility of touching another’s life, like Jorrie’s did mine.Participant or spectator – which will you be?

Copyright © Deborah Rossouw of DebSpeaks.com 10 November 2011 – All rights reserved.

 

Adopt these 3 questions to enhance your relationships

Yesterday I met with a fascinating modern mystic who happens to be a well-known minister from a well-known church in Vancouver. I’d set up the meeting to explore a particular aspect of his spiritual  ‘experience’. And to ensure that I didn’t miss anything, I got his permission to record the conversation – which he agreed to. We spent an hour talking, and it was wonderful!

As soon as I returned home I began to re-view the recording. Oh my, was I shocked when I began listening to our exchange. I felt my temperature rise [blush blush] as I became aware of numerous moments where I could have probed more deeply and been more curious about what he was sharing. In addition to being fascinated by what he shared, somehow, I got in my own way and jumped enthusiastically into the conversation sharing some of my own life moments and in doing that I missed many opportunities to deeply engage and learn from him. Can you relate to this?

During that exchange I was unaware of all that was fully present in the moment.

And, my lack of attentive presence resulted in my missing the opportunity to listen deeply and take in the experience more fully.

What do I mean when I use the word ‘Experience’?

I like the definition by my teacher and Master Coach, James Flaherty: ‘Experience is: what is showing up in our awareness in this moment.’

Humour me for a moment. What are you noticing right now in your experience? Stop, and just experience this moment, right now.

And now go one step farther, and write down the key words to reflect your experience of that moment.

What led you to pay attention to those things as your experience and not other things that were present? What other things did you leave out?

For example: What bodily sensations did you not include? What feelings did you leave out? What visual details your peripheral vision did you leave out? What arising sounds in your immediate environment, and beyond did you leave out?

Can you see that you left out a lot!

Experience includes our awareness of all of our sensations and emotions and sub-subtexts and peripheral awareness. And when we are in conversation with others, it includes so many more variables: content, context, body language cues, tonal cues, pace and delivery of message, eye contact, eye messages and eye movement, and so much more.  What are we taking in? What kind of listening are we engaging in? Shallow or deep?

I confess I was not listening as deeply as I could have. In adding my own content to the conversation I missed being in the process of it and diluted my own experience of it. If instead I had been more intentional in staying with what I heard and probed at each opportune moment, I sense that I would have learned a whole lot more. Oh sure, I could make an excuse that we met in a popular but noisy coffee shop, or that the tables were very close and that I could also hear the conversation of the couple on my right as well as the couple on my left. Though that was the case, it was not the reason for my lack of deep listening. I had forgotten to set a conscious intention for myself related to this conversation. And, in not having done that I missed the moment. That’s all there is to it. I reverted to old inner programs that caused me to get in my own way. And in having a recording to review revealed those to me.

The question is not whether or not we experience relationships, but rather to what degree are we able to experience others and ourselves more fully? It’s about how we show up and about the quality of our relating.

So, this week, I invite myself and you to experiment with experiencing our lives and relationships even more fully. Join me.

Pause twice a day for the next week and ask yourself the following three questions:

  • Am I fully present to my experience in this moment?
  • What else is showing up in my awareness right now?
  • Can I listen more deeply to the person I’m with?

And then, jot down a couple of notes each time to capture your experience. And, see if the next time you can widen your lens on how you’re relating.
Just stay curious! 

Copyright © Deborah Rossouw of DebSpeaks.com 4 November 2011 – All rights reserved.

 

 

Three key tips for your next presentation

Just the other day I was seated in the audience listening to presentations from presenters I’d not met before.
I like to learn, and so opportunities like this, excite me. We can learn so much from others, both about what works and what doesn’t.

So today, I thought I would share with you just three things I noticed that you may find helpful the next time you are the presenter.
And to ensure that I do not offend the people whose examples I am referring to, I’ve purposely not mentioned the event or their topics, as they or others who know them might read this blog post. The three vignettes below are in random order so as to protect the identity of the ‘innocent’.

Vignette #1: Her speaker bio was being read aloud. My interest was immediately peeked. ‘Oh my, she has an amazing track record! And all those awards must mean she’s an amazing speaker’. In my head ‘amazing speaker’ means: ‘dynamic speaking style, a message of substance and great stage presence.’

So, I sat back, ready for a treat. Was I in for a surprise. Her opening line was attention grabbing! That’s always a welcome start! And, as she continued, I was soon aware of the lack of inflection in her voice, and how her movement across the stage were, well, ordinary. I quickly realized that I needed to find ‘the gift’ elsewhere, as her delivery was going to be neither dynamic nor filled with presence. It was my own expectation that needed to shift, and quickly, as time on the agenda indicated that there was to be another forty minutes of this. I intentionally focused on the content, and that is where her gift was revealed. She was sharing a process and how to’s and it was clear she knew her topic, and that she was presenting a workshop topic in monologue format, rather than keynote format. There is a big difference! As her presentation drew to a close I was conscious of feeling semi-satisfied. Why? Because her bio over-promised and under-delivered.
Tip#1: Make sure your speaker bio represents you appropriately to the audience without raising higher expectations than your topic will deliver on.

Vignette #2: His style different dramatically from hers. “Buying time’ between sentences he moved across the stage much like a politician does when they’re about to make a long-awaited announcement. Along with the speaker, I held my breath between pauses, hoping for his sake that the next idea would come and come fast! I number of times I noticed how his gaze scanned the audience as if the air out there might offer him the right turn of phrase, or the next link needed to segue to the next point he wanted to make. If I were to describe his presentation I might say it was ‘like beads of a necklace not yet in sequence along the string.’ Some ideas were picked up for view but were left to roll away unhooked.
Tip #2: String each idea like a carefully selected bead designed in sequence along the necklace of your presentation. And make each bead count!

Vignette #3: Her style was how shall I say… direct, rigid, demanding attention. Yes, ‘demanding’, rather than ‘commanding’ attention. She held a strong view and was determined to let us have it. Point after point hit us like bullets furiously fired for effect. If it were point after pint we might have had some light relief, not so? Sigh! Sadly, there was no pint in sight. We had to take this straight. Sober and somber. Mmm, that’s how it felt. Not quite the ra-ra-ra quality one might prefer from a keynote. I felt my energy drain, and sensed some fidgeting in seats around me as she resumed with her muddled message. I felt myself grow hot in my seat, blushing as I recalled moments when I too had shared muddled messages in the past. It’s humbling to see oneself in others, even if as a long-ago reminder of ground we too have trodden.
Tip #3:  Clarify your message, first, then have a conversation about it with your audience.

So let me paraphrase the three tips, simply:

  • Be Bio aware!
  • Make each idea-bead count!
  • Get clear, then share, conversationally!

So, if you’re due to deliver a presentation this coming week, try these three tips, and let me know how your audience responds!

Copyright © Deborah Rossouw of DebSpeaks.com 21 October 2011 – All rights reserved.

About runaways and a lesson from fly-fishing

Run-away negative thoughts can harm & alarm. Practice catch & release for greater inner peace.

Yesterday while driving, I noticed a little girl, around 5 years of age, race ahead of her mom and step into the cross walk that my car was approaching but had not yet reached.

I naturally slowed down and stopped, waiting for them to cross the street. In the pause the mother caught up with her child and yanked her back onto the sidewalk and began reprimanding her.
Still unsure about whether they were going to cross the street or not, I waited. The mother paused, looked at me and continued the reprimand. It was one of those uncertain moments: ‘Should I drive or wait?’ Erring on the side of caution I waited and within about 30 seconds the mother directed ‘the look’ at me. You know the one I mean. It’s the look that all mothers have perfected. She glared at me and mouthed ‘I’m talking to my daughter’ and I felt as if I too was in the firing line. Then, she caught herself in the act and she gave a self-conscious smile and waved me through. I nodded and proceeded to drive over the cross walk.

As I was on my way to deliver my find your voice keynote, I was mulling over what I had just witnessed and if there might be any relevance to my talk.  What came to me is how often our mind-talk is like that runaway child. It has a will and speed of its own and if left unchecked can lead to harm.

So next time your mind-talk ‘races’ ahead into a ‘parental reprimand’, ask yourself the question: What am I afraid of? And notice what pops up.
Unlike the mother, we do not need to reign ourselves in or reprimand ourselves. All we need to do is notice and follow the rule of the fly fisherman: Catch and release!

Catch the runaway thought and release it so that you free up your energy and attention to focus on more supportive and life-affirming action. Practice catch and release for greater inner peace.

Copyright © Deborah Rossouw of DebSpeaks.com 19 June 2011 – All rights reserved.

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Conversations that connect, are conversations that count!

Every organization today has in some way been affected by the impacts of the global economic meltdown, which we all know created a domino effect of company closures, job losses and re-distribution of the workload amongst remaining employees.

Understandably many existing staff members still experience varying levels of stress and uncertainty related to job insecurity.

Given the above, how would you rate your organization’s current state of well-being?

One of my clients works for a large financial institution. The other day she told me that she and her team are all working really hard, often up to eleven hours a day. When I asked her to tell me more, she replied, ‘The global  meltdown has had many ripple effects in financial services. We’re undergoing massive changes, and there are fewer people to do the work. I’ve been offered a lead role as project manager of a huge change process. It’s a fantastic opportunity for me, and I believe in where the company’s headed. It’s great to be part of something bigger than just the bottom line!’

I smile as I recall this conversation because my client confirmed a belief I have held for a long time. Namely, that leaders who actively engage in conscious conversations about the big picture and beyond, are  more likely to secure the trust and loyalty of their people. Why? Because people want to be part of ‘something bigger’ than themselves. And when they are included in that ‘something bigger’, they automatically rally around to support their leaders to achieve it. When an organization’s vision aspires to  make the world a better place, like that of my client’s organization, it’s compelling to be part of something that matters!

In my experience it is consistent, authentic conversations that build empowering workplaces!

So, right now, if you were to rate your ability to engage or inspire your people, what rating might you give yourself, using a scale from 1-10?

The list below may serve as a useful point of reference. Do your conversations:

▪ build rapport?
▪ build trust?
▪ get more information?
▪ solve problems?
▪ influence others?
▪ resolve conflict?
▪ lead others to higher levels of achievement?

If yes, well done!

If no, ask yourself the following two questions:
1. What would I need to do more of, or less of, to engage my people?

2. What one action can I take to engage with my people more effectively?

Once you’ve identified your one action, commit to doing it consistently for the next month, and pay close attention to the results you get. You may surprise yourself, and your team.

Just like money, people stay where they are well treated!
Your organization’s ability to attract and retain high quality employees, tomorrow, is dependent on how well you, as a leader, treat them, today.

In a down-turned economy, leaders and managers who consistently engage in authentic conversations earn the trust and respect of others and they are the ones who are taking their organization’s to the next level of greatness.

When you, the leader, consistently engage your employees in authentic conversations, you set the tone and give others permission to be real with you in return. This one action helps to create healthy and empowering workplaces where people can make meaningful contributions, be more productive and achieve significant results. It’s in these environments that people thrive.

Conversations that connect are conversations that count!

Losing connection

Copyright © 2010 Deborah Rossouw – All rights reserved.
So here I am, in Kuwait, with a CEO and his team of eighteen senior leaders who are ten minutes into a team-building activity. Each leader is linked by one, thick, long rope, held loosely in their hands. They’re blindfolded and are standing in no particular arrangement, in a spacious and otherwise empty gymnasium.The team is strategizing a way to accomplish the given task. Their loud voices echo and clash as they each attempt to make themselves heard. A few have managed to piece together the start of a plan. They’re very aware that time is ticking by…. only twenty minutes to go.
The CEO is the only one not blindfolded, but he cannot speak, due to the cloth band over his mouth. For this exercise he has been rendered ‘mute’. And then it happens…

I watch as the CEO gathers the slack, snake of rope. He loops it like a lasoo,  then he drops it over the head and shoulders of one of his team and immediately reigns it in and pulls the man toward a different spot in the room. The man reacts, trying to pry himself loose. The CEO ignores the resistance and proceeds to pull this chap towards another area in the gym. As they pull, others begin to go with them, shuffling blindly. The roped man resists again, and hot, Arabic expletives escape from his mouth.

The CEO puts his weight behind the effort and pulls harder. They get to where he wants to go, with the guy in tow, and stops. Beads of sweat moisten his forehead. He moves to a second person -repeats the process of lasoo – tighten -pull /resistance /pull harder. The second roped man steadies himself, bends his knees and hunkers down so that his feet are like magnets to the floor, so he becomes an unmovable, dead-weight. Tension mounts. The CEO gives up on him and moves to someone else, and repeats the process – lasoo/ tighten -pull /resistance /pull harder. Loud voices rise and fall on deaf ears, as others too feel themselves tugged on the rope they’re all attached to. The next blind-man is reigned He shuffles, mumbling in confusion. And so it goes…   while the clock ticks…

Time has run out. I signal: ‘Time! Relax and drop your blindfolds. Let’s debrief.’

One senior leader immediately begins.

‘What happened? We came up with a workable plan, when someone started interference…!’
‘Damn right it was interference’ another pipes in, ‘I’m flipping angry!
Some freakin’ idiot tied the rope around me and pulled me all over the place. I figured it couldn’t be Suhaila, so I shoved back, hard! If you push, I’m gonna push back!’
They’re joined by a third voice, ‘I thought we were supposed to be working as a team. Who was pulling us around like that?’
You could have heard a pin drop. Then, rather hesitantly, the CEO edged his way forward, and broke the silence with: ‘It was me! Unlike you, I was not blind. I had the band to mute my mouth, but I could see exactly what needed to be done. We had a task to accomplish, so I figured if I can see it’s up to me! I felt responsible. You all kept resisting my efforts. I was on your side. I could see.’

Many leaders today face this kind of fundamental paradox. How do I get my people to do what I need them to do, without doing it myself? Naturally he resorted to his habitual style of leading, and in the process he estranged his team.

Under what circumstances might you react like this CEO did? And, at what cost to you and your team? There’s another way, and I call it effective leadership dancing! And it requires that the leader first be congruent so that he or she can act from a state of resourcefulness and wisdom.