Coaching

‘You’re nearly there!’

Picture yourself in this scene…
It’s around 6.30am and you’re in the bike-spinning class at your local rec center. And the music is pumping and you’re huffing and puffing while attempting to keep up with the fifteen or so other ‘spin-cycle enthusiasts’ whose rhythm and focus appears to be more constant than your own.

You’re already ten minutes into the class. Besides your thumping heart-beat and music, you hear the next instruction ‘Okay everyone, get ready, we’re about to climb that hill. Turn the gears up to 90% tension. Stand, and let’s go!’

So, you brace yourself and inwardly query: ‘Why am I doing this again?’
But, in the moment, you ignore the question because you know that nobody told you to get up at sparrows and be on the bike before dawn! It was all your own doing. So you try to seek some sort of reassurance and tell yourself: ‘Only another 50 minutes and I’ll be done for the day’ and you push the pedal harder and huff and some more, as you continue your inner dialogue ‘She wasn’t kidding about the uphill!’ Yep, you’re getting some insight into my experience!

Just in case you’re wondering, my reason for going to spinning classes is twofold: To get fit and to be eligible to participate, because I signed up to do the 240km Ride to Conquer Cancer bike ride, from Vancouver to Seattle in June. It’s a big goal and one that I want to achieve.

It’s my sixth spinning class, but my first experience of Sarah as our bike trainer. I like that she came around to each of before the time to check that our bikes were appropriately set for our individual needs. I now know how to position my seat and pedals next time – it’s all good.

Sarah, similar to the other spinning-class trainers, lets us know what we’re going to do prior to each segment of the workout. While this is helpful and important to know, the thing I really appreciated this morning was the manner in which she encouraged us.  Now don’t get me wrong, all the trainers encourage us – and what I love is that they all do it in their own way. Sarah’s way includes three simple that left an impression on me: ‘You’re nearly there!’

Here’s why I think her words had impact: she made it personal; she gave hope, and she focused on our target. True, our goal was imaginary – nevertheless, receiving encouragement along the way was significant to get us to keep reaching for it.

In your life, at work or home, what target are you striving to achieve with others? What phrase of encouragement can you use to make it personal; give hope, and focus on the target?

Let me encourage you, like Sarah encouraged me: Every tiny step towards reaching your goal is a move in the right direction. ‘You’re nearly there!’

Chains, strains and snaps

A couple of weeks ago I re-acquainted myself with Old Trusty, my 18-year old mountain bike. On my fourth ride the chain came off. I thought nothing of it. On the next ride, it happened again. No problem – I just turned the bike on its saddle and re-connected the chain, and was again on my way.

Now you’d think that I might have considered why it had happened. Well, I did, but only fleetingly. Well, guess what, when I took the bike out for a long ride, today, the chain did not come loose – it snapped! That got my attention! Fortunately it was only five minutes into the ride, and close enough to the bike repair shop. It was definitely my lucky day as I was the first customer when the doors opened at 10am. The chap first did a quick fix of my broken bike-chain. Only when I began to ask a few key questions, did I realize that because it was tighter, it might snap again. As I’m training for a long distance bike ride in June, I need a reliable chain, not one that will strain and snap again. So, I bought a new one and asked for it to be installed instead.

But here’s the important question: Where else in my life, do I ignore the tiny warning signs that something is under strain? What is the chain of events that is silently playing out, that I’m not paying enough attention to? And for you – what is the chain of events silently playing out, that you might not be paying enough attention to?
Are there any warning signs you need to notice in relation to your health or energy levels? Likewise, are there any tiny warning signs in regard to your home or work relationships? What about your spiritual well-being?
What chain of events has already played out that you’ve not slowed down to assess?

As happened for me, does the situation need to snap, before it gets your attention?

You know the thing about our health, spiritual well-being or our work and home relationships, is that we don’t have the option of ‘buy a new one’. Under normal circumstances, we get to work with what we’ve got!

So, my invitation to you and me, is to ask the above question through this coming week so we have the opportunity to reduce any strains and thus avoid any snap!

Copyright © Deborah Rossouw of DebSpeaks.com 10 February 2012 – All rights reserved.

Follow these four steps to better manage difficult emotions!

Follow these four steps to better manage difficult emotions – and to help you to stop beating yourself up inside!

‘Oh, did I forget to tell you?’ she asked, looking at me with her big blue eyes – which I noticed were slightly teary, ‘I’m really sorry I forgot to tell you, she continued. ‘I seem to be forgetting lots of things lately.’

And with that Gwen shared how she’d been house-sitting for a friend and had just returned to her own home, and it felt like her life was all over the place.

Does this sound familiar? Do you experience getting thrown off balance when you change your routine? I do.

I noticed her searching in her purse – yet she couldn’t seem to find what she was looking for. The more she dug, the less successful she was, and I sensed her discomfort.

‘You know what,’ I said quietly, ‘I feel like that sometimes too, when my routine changes. A complete shift in routine throws me off balance too.’

‘You know, now that I’m talking to you about it, and hearing myself say it out loud, I realize this is how I’ve been reacting for a while. I’m having difficulty getting back to normal.’

She was quiet, still looking at me, her baby-blues about to brim with tears. And in that moment my heart opened up even more towards her.

‘Would it be helpful to learn a technique to manage difficult emotions more easily?’ I asked

‘Yes, please.’

‘Okay…Mmmm, let me see what might be going on for you?’
I sense your self-talk may be causing you to beat yourself up for not having remembered and it has you feeling a little guilty. And that’s got your throat feeling thick and choked up and your tummy churning. Is that close to how you’re feeling right now?’

‘Yes – it feels tight in both places.’

‘Well, this is a typical reaction for all of us when we experience any difficult emotion.

Let me clarify what I mean by the term ‘difficult emotions. These could include feelings like guilt, hurt, sadness, frustration, inferiority, jealousy and anger. And so inside of us we experience a sudden build-up of energy that feels like a strong electrical charge. I like to think of it as a live-electrical cable going crazy, inside of us –sparking all sorts of unpleasant feelings. And, the more we focus on our inner discomfort, the worse it gets. And it seems as if there is no avenue no avenue of escape.’

‘Does it feel something like that for you?’

‘Yes.’

‘Are you ready to learn a simple yet profound technique to reduce that tension and  release the electrical charge?’

‘That would be helpful.’

‘Okay. I recommend you use this technique when a difficult emotion arises and you need to manage your emotions. It’s not the kind of technique to use for deep-seated trauma or long-suppressed anger or resentment – there are other techniques for those and those more deeply ingrained emotions are best handled in person with a caring presence of a certified coach or counselor trained to deal with those kinds of issues.

I for instance have supported many people to release resentments using a very different technique – not this one.’

‘The technique that I’m about to teach you, works really well to  dissolve daily difficult emotions in seconds.’

‘I suggest you start out by doing this in private, so you get the feel for it and build your competence. Once you’ve done it a few times on your own in private, you’ll be able to release your own difficult emotions while in the company of others.
But at the start practise this in private.’

‘I call it The NNC Release – Notice-Name-Confirm-Release

Identify the incident or issue that triggered the difficult emotion

      Notice-in-Neutral what you’re feeling – Just notice it and admit it to yourself in a neutral kind of way –with no drama

Name the feeling

Confirm: Am I ready to release this feeling, right here, right now?

Release it, now!’

‘Okay Gwen, it’s your turn to apply the NNC Release – and as you do it, pay attention to how you feel compared to how you were feeling at the start of our conversation.’

‘I’ll talk you through it and you apply it as I do so. So here we go.

Identify the incident or issue that triggered the difficult emotion

      Notice-in-Neutral what you’re feeling – Just notice it and admit it to yourself in a neutral kind of way –with no drama

Name the feeling

Confirm: Am I ready to releaseethis feeling, right here, right now?

Release it, now!’

We were both quiet for a while and then I asked her: ‘Gwen, what did you notice this time?’

‘I don’t feel as tense. I feel calm,’ she said.

‘Good work!’

‘This is an easy tool to use whenever you feel tense or become aware of that negative electrical charge in your body. Just focus on the NNC Release and allow yourself to release the tension within. If you’re committed to it you’ll dissolve the tension in seconds.’

‘What has helped you in the past to remember things?’

‘Oh, I usually write stuff down that I need to remember.’

‘Writing things down is helpful’.

‘In terms of managing one’s emotions, a successful strategy from the past can often help you in the present.’

‘What might I see if you showed me what you wrote down?’

‘A list.’

‘What other forms of visual cues have helped you in the past?’

‘I’ve only ever tried a list.’

‘Would you be open to another form of written visual?’

‘Sure.’

‘What about a picture-mind-map comprised of simple drawings to act as visual cues?’

‘Oh, I could give that a go – I love to draw!’ As she said this I noticed Gwen’s eyes light up.

‘Perfect!’

‘During this next week how about creating colorful mind-maps to help you remember?’

‘That sounds like fun! I’ll do that!’

‘Great!’

‘Thanks Deborah, that was really helpful. I’m feeling a whole lot better.’

‘You’re welcome,’ Gwen.

Remember to apply the NNC-Release when you experience a build up of difficult emotions.

And set an intention this week to manage difficult emotions as soon as they arise –you’ll reap the immediate benefit of remaining calm and centered so you can think more clearly and stay in relationships with yourself and others more easily!

Copyright © Deborah Rossouw of DebSpeaks.com 31 October 2011 – All rights reserved.

 

It’s all in the pause! – A lesson from toddlers

What can pausing bring you? What insights might it offer?

I spent some time observing two toddlers navigate their way across a grass mound that likely seemed a hill to them. This mound was situated on the school playground, and it descended on one side to a fence.

The first toddler found great delight running down this hill and stopping himself just before the fence and turning back and running up the hill again. And he repeated this a few times. While he was doing that the second toddler ran down the center of the mound, slipped onto his bottom and wriggled his way off the bordering wall and then slid down the pole that stood just three feet away. The first toddler watched his friend wriggle with difficulty off the wall. He then returned up the hill and at the top he called ‘Come!’ to the first toddler, and he then took off and sped down the center of hill, wriggled awkwardly off the wall and slid down the pole, once again.

The first toddler heard the call and stopped for a few seconds and observed the route his friend had just taken. Should he follow or not? In his moment of pause, he looked ahead at the path before him. Then, without hesitation, he returned gleefully to the route he had already navigated with success. Laughing all the way down, he reached the fence and then changed his earlier pattern. Instead of returning up the hill, this time he followed the lower path that lead along the fence and along the lower section of the mound and joined his friend that way. As I watched I realized that this toddler had just imparted a valuable lesson.

When faced with a decision, what is your habit? Do you pause or do you follow someone else’s lead? And how satisfied are you afterwards with the outcome?

There’s power within a pause.
A pause allows us to check within. Which way is right for me? Will I trust my own way or will I follow in someone else’s footsteps?

In a pause we stop what we are doing and take a moment to be in our experience, right now. In the pause we can ask ourselves ‘What’s this moment like for me? What do I want? What am I afraid of?’ The pause disrupts our habitual behaviour and allows us to take stock of our here and now experience. And in the pause we can ask ourselves ‘What is possible? In what new and creative ways can I respond to my wants and fears?’ The moment that arises out of a pause can reflect the wholeness and the truth of who we are. And this is what supports us to resume our activities after a pause with increased presence and more ability to make better choices.

This first little toddler figured out that he could trust the path he had already navigated, just like his friend had trusted his own. They both reminded me that we can trust ourselves to find our own way by building on the successes we’ve already accomplished. When last did you trust your own successful path to help you navigate the next section of your way forward?

If we pause long enough we can find the clarity we seek. This principle applies particularly when we want to find our voice – our own way of expressing ourselves in the world. If it is truly to be our voice, we need to find our own way. Someone else’s approach, someone else’s path may not necessarily be the right path for us.

So, next time you need to make a decision between two approaches, yours or someone else’s, pause long enough to access the wisdom from within. That way you’ll have more possibilities to choose from, and chances are you’ll remain steady enough on your own two feet to trust yourself – and that is all you need!

Copyright © Deborah Rossouw of DebSpeaks.com 4 July 2011 – All rights reserved.

Part 3: Are they sufficiently qualified to walk on your scaffolding?

 Are they sufficiently qualified to walk on your scaffolding? Part 3 of 3

In Part 2 of this series, I spoke about how others serve as a mirror for us to see ourselves. And how we can learn from the one who came…Part 3 takes a slightly different angle and focuses on a personal story. And it focuses on the question: ‘Am I sufficiently qualified to walk on their scaffolding?

Truth always greets us face to face when we are in the presence of others who have actually walked the path we aspire to walk. And for this blog, the context I am referring to is that of coaching.

Many years ago, I, like many others, called myself a ‘coach’ when I had not yet gained my certification as a coach. At that time I was self-righteous and super confident in my ‘ability to coach’ others. But if truth be told, I admit that when I was in the presence of certified coaches I was somewhat reluctant to refer to myself as ‘a coach’. Could that be a touch of guilt? Instead I would say I ‘coach people when it’s appropriate to do so. And I rely on a number of certifications in other disciplines to do that work.’
I still blush when I think of how little I understood about professional coaching.

My wake-up call to get certified came after a few weeks of attempting to coach a ‘friend of a friend’ at no charge. We met a few times, and each felt challenging …for me!
Many of the questions I’d asked and processes I’d tried somehow didn’t quite take us to the places I knew coaching could. I failed to engage her sufficiently to help her shift in any way, and I began to dread having to work with her. That was when I stopped all doing and instead prior to meeting with her, I sat myself down and had the ‘tough conversation’ I needed to have with myself – to face the truth and make a tough decision. At our next meeting, I admitted that I was having difficulty engaging her, and that I did not feel right about continuing as she wasn’t getting the benefit I had thought she might. We parted ways, still on good terms.

I however did not hop on the first bandwagon re coaching schools. I did research over a period of two years before selecting a coaching school that ‘felt right’ for me.

And during this time of research I remember talking to a certified coach who said: ‘Oh, anybody can hang up their shingle and call themselves a coach. That however doesn’t make them a coach. A coaching certification does!’

Ouch! Her words penetrated deeply. She was right – that was exactly what I had been doing, ‘hanging up my shingle and calling myself a coach’. Her words were exactly what I needed to hear to strengthen my resolve to get a coaching certification.
My instincts had been telling me that I owed it to myself and to my clients to bring a deeper level of skill and wisdom to this important inner work that we do together.

So, I chose a reputable coaching school in San Francisco that was regarded as one of the top three schools. It is New Ventures West. And am I ever grateful to now be a certified Integral Development Coach. What I learned there eclipsed every other kind of personal development program I have ever been on – and I have been on many over the past twenty something years. It was like going deep sea diving – moving slowly beyond the surface into deeper and deeper altitudes in which I plumbed the depths of my being – over and over and over again – and each time I re-surfaced with new awareness, new insights, and more capacity to embrace more of my own contradictions, fears, limitations and my dark side -those aspects of my being that I had not wanted to look at, or didn’t know how to access and integrate.

And it also revealed to me the skills I already have, and how to access even more the multi-dimensional aspects of my being when I coach – to be more present and receptive to my clients, and to meet them where they are, rather than try to seem clever and to know it all. It taught me how to embrace the paradoxes of this work – that when I surrender and let go of the need to know, that in that state of not knowing, I am more deeply able tom support their knowing and help them come to integration.

My training confirmed for me that I can fully trust my intuitive sensing and that instead of relying only on the intelligence of my brain, I could instead access the many other intelligences we are all equipped with – and to teach my clients to do the same. All of those experiences have equipped me to be far more capable, confident and compassionate. And, I learned how to be less judgmental of myself and others. It has also released me from the stress of ‘hit and miss’ approaches that I had applied prior to becoming fully certified. The best intentions cannot substitute for appropriate training – I know this from my own experience.

I recall a few years ago chatting to a business owner at a networking event. When she heard the approach that I support my clients with, she shared about her recent experience with a coach who came in at a price far lower than any other coach she has approached. He had also promised many things in his ‘sales pitch’ but when it came to delivering on those promises, he fell far short. She was in the process of trying to extricate herself from the coaching contract with him as she believed he had already breached it.  I sensed in her that the regret of poor choice lasts far longer than the joy of a low price!

There is great value in becoming a fully certified coach. The right credentials reassure clients that their coach has ‘earned the right to speak’ into their lives and into their businesses. I’m seeing huge shifts in my clients as result of having walked the journey. Yes, I am qualified, and they allow me to walk on their scaffolding!

If you’re contemplating doing some personal growth, or business development, or skill development in a particular area, seek out the services of a reputable certified coach.

A certified, reputable coach is likely to charge a little more, but you’ll have the reassurance that you’re in good hands.
A good test is to ask yourself the question: Are they sufficiently qualified to walk on my scaffolding? Then notice your gut reaction in response. Choose the best coach to support you. My clients tell me it’s well worth the investment!

Copyright © Deborah Rossouw of DebSpeaks.com  20 April 2011 – All rights reserved.

Part 2 of 3: Are they sufficiently qualified to walk on your scaffolding?

Are they sufficiently qualified to walk on your scaffolding? Part 2 of 3

Still on the topic of building reno’s. Right now our building is undergoing external reno’s to the siding, balconies and windows. We’ve been surrounded by scaffolding for about four months so I’ve had some time to reflect on ‘scaffolding’. I began to see some parallels to the process that I engage my coaching clients in.

In the case of buildings, I noticed that the scaffolding is erected by a qualified crew who are trained according to the highest safety standards. The scaffold platforms that they build must be able to support the crew of construction workers to gain access to exterior walls designated for repair, as well as access to interior rooms, on occasion. And, I noticed a sign on the premises that reads, ‘All visitors report to the site office’ – a clear message that this is a ‘no go zone’ for everyone else. Only legitimate, qualified construction workers are permitted to walk on these temporary platforms. No one else! At night, bright spotlights strategically placed deter access by unqualified others. So, as an owner whose home is being somewhat ‘invaded by strangers’ inside and out, it is reassuring to know that this is a temporary arrangement and that the scaffolding will be removed as soon as the job is complete.

In parallel, in our personal lives, the scaffolding could represent the support people we ‘allow in’ to work on ‘our walls’, our masks and other layers that hide or reduce our vitality. As a Certified Coach it’s my honour to support my clients to experience ‘breakthroughs’. I frequently witness their ‘inner walls’ come crumbling down as they open themselves to new possibilities for their lives, personally and professionally.
Just this week, after one of those breakthroughs, one of my clients exclaimed, ‘Deborah, there isn’t anyone I would trust my life with than you!’ Talk about a humbling moment. Yes, I was touched to hear that, and at the same time it reminded me of the awesome privilege and responsibility I have as a certified coach to partner with others on their journey of self discovery and development. I am indebted to the Faculty of New Ventures West the coaching school in San Francisco through whom I did a year-long professional coach certification course. I’m immensely grateful for that experience. The two-pronged focus of my training required that all program participants be ‘coached’ by faculty as well as by fellow classmates, for an entire year. I ‘let them walk on my scaffolding and work on ‘my walls’ and I am so grateful that I did! Their skilful support, proven methodology, developmental models and relationship provided me with a rigorous learning experience and tools that have equipped me to support my clients through relationships of trust, respect and integrity.

And so, just as I ‘let my teachers’ walk on my scaffolding, my clients ‘let me’ walk on ‘their scaffolding’ and peer into their lives, and together we apply appropriate tools to gently remove the old ‘plaster’ that’s kept them stuck and replace it with competence through practical tools.

How do we know when our ‘client’s reno’s’ are complete?

Well, similar to a building, we know the job’s complete when we can see the difference! What would we observe? We’d notice that they consistently catch themselves and self-correct by applying new ways of responding. And, we’d observe them take more productive actions in their lives because they have developed the capacity to respond to life’s demands from a more empowered inner state.  I know this to be true because I observe it in my clients. I can actually see the renewed vitality shine through their eyes and the increase in energy and motivation echo through their voice. And, their self report confirms what I’ve observed.

Back to the reno of our building. A noteworthy fact related to our building is that all of the new doors and windows open on either a different side or on the opposite side from the originals ones. What impact do you think that has on us? Right, we have had to

re-arrange our inside furniture to gain easier access to the outdoors. And, the neat parallel is that that is precisely what happens to my client’s inner world. They experience internal shifts, like internal furnishings, that require them to respond in new ways, i.e. to move through the world differently.

Similarly, just as the end result for our building reno’s will be a welcome change – with a fresher look, more safety because all new access points comply with new building codes – so too, the end result for my clients is also two-fold – a new look and feel plus greater internal security – because they have undergone a change in their inner world, aligned internally to a higher code for living.

How does that happen? Well, the integral coaching methodology I work with offers practical tools that focus on the whole person to bring about significant shifts across all the human domains – mind, body, soul and spirit. My clients literally re-model and re-shape their inner world and thus experience less and less stress and more and more energy to tackle what matters to them most, in a more authentic way. With enhanced self-trust they are better equipped to respond from an inner state of calm. This calm inner state helps them to embrace their lives with greater skill and competence on the outside. And, the best part is that my clients are enabled to continue without me, once their individual coaching programs are complete.

So, similar to actual scaffolding that surrounds a building is a temporary platform to support the work is in progress, so too my role as coach is also only a temporary platform to support the coaching work in progress. And all of my clients ‘let me’ walk on their scaffolding’.
Whom do ‘you let’ walk on your scaffolding? Whom do you ‘let in’?’

We would be wise to be very selective about whom we ‘let in’ to work on our ‘walls’.

  • My Coach Training School – New Ventures West – San Francisco.

Look out for the next post. I’ll be following this blog post up with Part 2 of this series.

Copyright © Deborah Rossouw of DebSpeaks.com 18 March 2011 – All rights reserved.
Permission is granted to anyone who wishes to use this blogpost-article on condition it is copied in its entirety, unedited, and with full credit to the original author. Thank you!

Part 1: Are they sufficiently qualified to walk on your scaffolding?

Reno’s and inner work are similar: Both entail a messy removal of the old to bring in the new, with relief and gratitude once done. And, the extra attention to detail at the start is appreciated long after the work is done.

I began thinking about this when visiting friends who recently had their kitchen re-modeled. Their sole reason for re-hiring that specific company to do the second job was because of the skill and craftsmanship of the master-carpenter.

When the work for the second project began, and a young carpenter from the company arrived instead, they gave him the benefit of the doubt. After a couple of days work they had to request the younger carpenter to re-do work, twice, as his level of skill and attention to detail were well below the standard they had expected. It was then that they contacted the owner and asked after the master carpenter who had built their kitchen cabinets. The owner replied, ‘He’s no longer working for us.’ The new extension is not the same quality of work they had expected. It’s been messy and instead of relief, my friends are feeling ‘short-changed’ by the owner who did not disclose that his key man would not be working on the second job.

My friends are not happy with who is walking on their scaffolding!

Stay tuned, for Part 2.

Copyright – © Deborah Rossouw DebSpeaks.com 8 March 2011 – All rights reserved.
Permission to copy this blog-post article is granted on condition that it is copied in it’s entirety and all credit is given to the original author, Deborah Rossouw. Contact Deborah at Deb[at]DebSpeaks.com

What does being present really mean?

You may recall in the early part of 2008 Oprah hosted the largest global, live video-conference on a series offered by her special guest Eckhart Tolle. The topic was his new book, A New Earth, which focused on the importance of ‘being present and staying in the present moment’.

For some people this is a way of life, for others it remains a mystery and a challenge, while for yet others it’s an unfathomable concept. What is meant by ‘be present?’ I’m here, can’t you see me? That’s being present isn’t it?” Many people think this way, and that is understandable. Though this concept of ‘being present’ has been a core practice of many eastern spiritual traditions, it has not been in the mainstream thinking for that long.

When I first came across this concept a few years back, I too thought that being physically present was what ‘being present’ meant. At first glance it seemed simple. Over the years I’ve come to more fully appreciate the underlying dynamic that ‘being present’ evokes. My current understanding is that a first aspect is to ‘be present with yourself in your experience of the moment you’re in’. The deeper aspect is about inviting our ‘inner presence’ into our lives. This requires a whole lot more than merely being physically present. Let me illustrate the first aspect by way of a personal example.

The other day, for instance I wrote down a ‘to do list’ of all the things that I wanted to accomplish that day. As life would have it, I had a really busy day reacting to calls, running errands and getting involved in many things, none of which were on my original list. Has this ever happened to you? All of these things at the time called for my attention. I kept doing, doing, doing while ignoring the niggling irritation that crept in and began to grow below the surface of my awareness. By four o’ clock I revisited my ‘to do list’ only to find that I had only completed one item. The irritation surfaced in the form of my inner critic…!  Needless to say I was less than charmed with myself.

As I reflected on what had lead to this, I realized that I’d gone into a tail-spin of ‘busyness’. And, as I thought about it, I became aware that I had in fact switched over to automatic pilot as a way of coping instead of tackling what I had secretly been avoiding, namely tackling a task that was unfamiliar and challenging. And, in switching channels in this way I’d allowed my day to be hijacked by the tyranny of the urgent instead of aligning my actions with my intentions. After all, I had started off with a ‘to do list’, hadn’t I? So how did this busyness hijacking happen?

The answers to my experience lie below the surface, not on top of the surface. Dr Bruce Lipton, in his book Biology of Belief, states that, “…the subconscious mind is millions of times more powerful than the conscious mind. If the desires of the conscious mind conflict with the programs of the sub-conscious mind, which ‘mind’ do you think will win out?”

In not being fully present to what I was experiencing, I was oblivious to the numerous internal signals that were bubbling to the surface, because being in automatic pilot numbed my awareness and allowed me to ignore what was really going on. I’d switched to a familiar pattern of ‘getting things done’ because that’s what I had been trained to do in my early childhood.

By way of illustration, let’s compare swimming and deep sea diving. We swim on the surface of the water and when we look down we see that the water below is dark. And, in seeing that, we could conclude that there’s nothing to see below, it’s dark. And herein lies the paradox. However, when we go deep sea diving, and we take the necessary precautions to kit ourselves with the right equipment including oxygen tanks, masks and underwater lights, we discover that the darkness that we believed was all there is below, is in fact not so at all. Instead, as we shine a light into the depths, we begin to notice a vast undiscovered underwater world. A world filled with natural treasures and indescribable life forms in luminescent colours that impress us with their beauty and leave us in a state of awe and wonder. And we suddenly become aware that they’ve always been there, far below the surface, invisible to us from the surface, but radiant in the darkness, like hidden treasure that we have to search for to find! As we re-surface we take with us the impressions and are enriched by the experience.

Let’s draw from this analogy. Every day you and I are faced with many choices, two of which are: to either exist on the surface or to live our lives as fully present as we are able to.

The first choice allows us to switch to automatic pilot, and to live our lives on the surface, without much awareness of what is really going on with us or with others. I call this ‘living asleep’. It’s as if I am not fully awake to my life. I’m unconsciously following a rote pattern with little inner or outer awareness. In this state I am less likely to allow another to impress me with who they really are. In this state I can easily rely on past experiences of someone to cloud what they’re bringing forth today. In this state I am more concerned with myself, my concerns, my needs and my agenda. I’m sort of there but not quite! And, in this state my inner critic gets the most airtime, and that shows in my communication with others. I’m in a hurry. I’m impatient. I interrupt. I don’t notice the cues that others are giving. I’m living in my head, either thinking about a past event, or planning a future event. I miss the present moment. What’s going on when I am in this state? My presence is missing! When our presence is missing, our eyes are dull, the shine is missing and others can tell! They notice it!

The second choice, I call ‘living awake’. Living in this state, of being awake to what is, opens us to more possibilities. When we are present in our lives, and are present and genuinely curious about what is going on, we start to notice things about ourselves and other people that we ordinarily miss. Moment to moment, life presents itself anew and we allow ourselves to be impressed by others. I know for myself when I am in this state of awareness, I am often surprised by little things I notice about others that I didn’t notice before. I am calm. I am more genuinely interested in them and who they are. I listen more attentively. And, I am better able to dwell in curiosity open to discovering more. I like the way I feel when I am in this state. I feel more alive, more vibrant!

By inviting ourselves ‘to be present’ moment to moment, we tune in to a higher frequency of awareness. We open to a state of curiosity, creativity and wonder. And, in so doing we partner with life and our sub-conscious mind to show us more of who we truly are. We invite our spirit, our essence, our core being into our life. And the moment our Spirit joins in, that is when we sparkle!

What’s your #1 challenge?

May 26, 2010 by Deborah Rossouw

I’ve recently set myself a goal to run twice a week up a hill that ascends for a kilometer and half before it opens up into a forested canopy with trails. The top is a welcome stopping place for anyone who has braved and successfully overcome the steep climb. I’ve fondly nicknamed it ‘killer hill! And yet, what it has killed is different than you might think.

So, there I am at the start of ‘killer hill’ with my headphones cheering me on. At the start of each run I set an intention to get to the top. The phrase I encourage myself with is: ‘Just one more step, go one more block!’ And so I go, one slow step after another, inching my way steadily to the top. And, when I arrive, though out of breath and parched, a sense of personal achievement washes over me together with relief that I’ve been able to meet the  challenge one more time.

I’ll admit there are days when I’ve felt tempted to quit and turn back because it’s  felt too tough to continue, either because my legs feel as if they’re about to seize or the heat is sapping my energy. In those moments, I slow down to a walk, or I stop completely to rest and breathe till my breath returns to a more even rhythm. I remind myself why I tackled this hill in the first place: to increase my level of fitness, to build stamina and to challenge myself beyond my physical comfort zone.

‘Killer hill’ has not killed me. What it has killed is my sense of complacency. It’s requiring me to push through any doubt I might have had about my ability to meet this challenge. It’s got me curious about the ways I habitually resist when things seem too tough to face. It’s having me notice my resistance. And, from that state of awareness, I have the freedom to either enter the challenge or resist and notice the tension within me. When I choose to open to the experience, I am surprised to discover afresh what I may be capable of, especially when I align my head and heart with my goal of opening to all that the experience might offer.

So, instead of killing my spirit, ‘killer hill’ inspires me to garner all my resources to move myself steadily forward … ‘just one more step…go one more block.’

‘Killer hill’ is symbolic of numerous unexpected challenges in life that confront us: relationship break-ups, job loss, downsizing, financial challenges, budget cuts, unexpected illness, loss of loved ones. In life, we neither choose our hill nor do we get to turn around because it’s too tough. Many of these challenges confront us at our core, like a looming uphill struggle that feels like a ‘killer’. And yet, amidst these struggles, something arises from within that reveals to us the stuff we are made of. And that inner sense of who we are, moves us one step closer to  overcoming daunting life challenges,  just one small step at a time.

Every day that I wake up I know that my hill is not going away, it’s just around the corner. And, in some ways I am grateful for it because it reminds me that its lessons are there for me each day that I chose to run it. And, it’s only in embracing its challenges that I am likely to build my stamina and increase my capacity to grow.

In life, I’m learning that each uphill struggle strengthens us for the next challenge and the next.

So, what is your #1 challenge, ‘your killer hill’?
What one step can you take today, towards over-coming its challenge?
And, what previous experience can  support you to take  ‘one more step’ or ‘just go one more block’, forward’?

With clarity comes conviction

June 28, 2010 – Copyright © 2010 Deborah Rossouw – All rights reserved.

It was a moment of choice, for both of us.
There I was going about my daily chores when I froze in my tracks, and so did the field mouse.

In its shocked state, this tiny creature hesitated for a second and then scurried from behind the laundry basket and across the vinyl laundry-room floor in the direction of the next room. What the poor little blighter did not know was that the adjoining room had a highly polished marble floor. You’ve guessed it. The moment its tiny paws hit the marble surface, its rotund body went into a magnificent skid, as if on ice.  Its stringy tail got caught underneath it’s body and was no longer available as a rudder. To add insult to injury, the skid gave way to a perfect 360 degree tailspin as it tried to grip the marble surface with its scratchy claws. I stood by mesmerized, watching as it scurried every which way to regain its equilibrium. Only when he came to a dead stop was he able to steer himself to safety through the door that had been wide open all this time, on the opposite side of the room.

I’ve often pondered how we can be like that little field mouse. When life presents us with new options, either through our own choices or through unexpected circumstances, we too find ourselves in an unfamiliar place like the field mouse, in the laundry room. And, sometimes, in a moment of sheer panic, we’re faced with the unexpected, and like the mouse, we rush in the opposite direction . This new direction leads us further into unfamiliar territory than we might have had to face if we’d taken a strategic pause to assess our options in a more calm way.

In my work as a coach, I help my clients build their capacity to take strategic pauses so they can regain their inner sense of equilibrium, and, from that place, they’re better equipped to make supportive choices in their professional as well as in their personal lives.

Just like the mouse, we often need to be able to bring ourselves to a dead stop, before we can move through the door that’s been waiting for us all along.

So my question to you is this: In which areas of your life are you in a skid that has you reeling out of balance and headed in a direction not of your own choice? And, what will help you to stop so you can see the door that has been open to you all along?