Speak with calm breath

So this morning’s spin-bike class was led by Colleen and started at 6am. Colleen is a super-fit, trim, muscular veteran biker and fitness trainer. You can see it in her build and her ease on the bike. In her class you know you’re in the care of a pro!

One sentence caught my attention: ‘You want to approach this with calm breath. And at the end, be breathless.’ What a concept! And of course it got me thinking. Breathlessness is a good thing in the context of fitness, especially when followed by a short recuperation period to restore your equilibrium.

So while keeping my legs spinning and exerting effort on the uphill climb, I allow my mind to wonder. How might Colleen’s comment apply to our relationships at work and home? Colleen’s instruction: ‘You want to approach this with calm breath’ resonated deeply, and it got me thinking. ‘Calm vs breathlessness. Mmm. In what other situations can you apply this?’ And of course I immediately think of how we relate to ourselves and others.

I think you’ll agree that breathlessness in our communication with others, is not the goal. It conjures images of someone who is out of control, with a raised voice and temper unleashed with chaotic energy that can set others off or cause them to withdraw from fear. The out-of-control person can be said to speak with forked tongue, rather than with calm breath. In contrast, calm breath reflects that you’re in touch with your inner core which enables you to speak with self-control, self-respect, clarity, and stay intentionally focused on a mutually agreeable outcome.

As I reflect on this, another equally compelling idea comes to mind: ‘Ending also in a state of calm. Wouldn’t that be a worthy goal?’ I include this because I know I can get excitable or reactive sometimes. If you already approach and end all interactions from a calm state, I can learn from you. I know I don’t, especially when it comes to  learning new technology. I get triggered and thrown off-center a lot. Perhaps reading this will confirm that you are on track, and likely easy to be around. For people like me who get reactive under certain circumstances, I need the reminder. If you do too, see if you can recall one situation or relationship in which you get triggered, and apply this to that.

Imagine what your everyday interactions might be like if you approached them from a state of calm and also completed them in a state of calm? What one benefit would this have on your well-being and on the quality of your relationships, at work and home?

My invitation is this: Approach each conversation with calm breath, and complete it also in a calm state. And then begin to notice the results you get.

‘You’re nearly there!’

Picture yourself in this scene…
It’s around 6.30am and you’re in the bike-spinning class at your local rec center. And the music is pumping and you’re huffing and puffing while attempting to keep up with the fifteen or so other ‘spin-cycle enthusiasts’ whose rhythm and focus appears to be more constant than your own.

You’re already ten minutes into the class. Besides your thumping heart-beat and music, you hear the next instruction ‘Okay everyone, get ready, we’re about to climb that hill. Turn the gears up to 90% tension. Stand, and let’s go!’

So, you brace yourself and inwardly query: ‘Why am I doing this again?’
But, in the moment, you ignore the question because you know that nobody told you to get up at sparrows and be on the bike before dawn! It was all your own doing. So you try to seek some sort of reassurance and tell yourself: ‘Only another 50 minutes and I’ll be done for the day’ and you push the pedal harder and huff and some more, as you continue your inner dialogue ‘She wasn’t kidding about the uphill!’ Yep, you’re getting some insight into my experience!

Just in case you’re wondering, my reason for going to spinning classes is twofold: To get fit and to be eligible to participate, because I signed up to do the 240km Ride to Conquer Cancer bike ride, from Vancouver to Seattle in June. It’s a big goal and one that I want to achieve.

It’s my sixth spinning class, but my first experience of Sarah as our bike trainer. I like that she came around to each of before the time to check that our bikes were appropriately set for our individual needs. I now know how to position my seat and pedals next time – it’s all good.

Sarah, similar to the other spinning-class trainers, lets us know what we’re going to do prior to each segment of the workout. While this is helpful and important to know, the thing I really appreciated this morning was the manner in which she encouraged us.  Now don’t get me wrong, all the trainers encourage us – and what I love is that they all do it in their own way. Sarah’s way includes three simple that left an impression on me: ‘You’re nearly there!’

Here’s why I think her words had impact: she made it personal; she gave hope, and she focused on our target. True, our goal was imaginary – nevertheless, receiving encouragement along the way was significant to get us to keep reaching for it.

In your life, at work or home, what target are you striving to achieve with others? What phrase of encouragement can you use to make it personal; give hope, and focus on the target?

Let me encourage you, like Sarah encouraged me: Every tiny step towards reaching your goal is a move in the right direction. ‘You’re nearly there!’

Lesson from a six year old

So there I was minding my own business outside a local coffee shop, when a toddler and his brother aged six, came walking in my direction. ‘Thud’, the toddler tripped over his own shoes and landed spread-eagled on the sidewalk and let out a loud howl. His mother caught up to them, bent down, placed the youngest child in her lap and began to comfort him. As she did that, the six-year-old bent close, looked at his brother and asked: ‘Was that scary?’

He got it! His kid brother was not hurt, he just got a fright and that is what made him cry. And so he empathized.

How often when we witness an incident, do we perceive accurately what the impact might be for the other person? Expressing empathy effectively is a skill that serves as a bridge to let others feel understood. It requires us to observe accurately so we can reflect that back to the other person – like this six-year-old did.

If a six-year-old can get it right, so can you and I!
This week, see how many times you can express empathy for others, by naming the impact they experience. Doing so will strengthen your communication and will invite others to open up more to you.

Copyright © Deborah Rossouw of DebSpeaks.com 17 February 2012 – All rights reserved